Love Grinch
by Runaway Wordette
Summary: In which Sakura is a cranky Love Grinch, Ino resembles the creepy little ring monster from the Lord of the Rings, Sasuke orders a sledge hammer and a plane ticket to Suna, Naruto is clueless, and a cafe worker is amused.


**Heh... Hehehe... XD This was fun. I was bored in the car so I kinda just started typing and BAM- a cute little one-shot with a slightly OC Sasuke. **

**Review if you want! ENJOY!**

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"Sakura. You are a love Grinch."

I inhaled deeply through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. Nope. Didn't make me want to strangle her any less. Yoga is total bull.

"I. Am. Not. A. Love. Grinch."

"Ohhhhh, this is worse than I thought."

I felt my hands twitch convulsively and I began to contemplate how to kill her without leaving any evidence. Time to go through the library of murder mystery movies to formulate the perfect crime… Oh, oh! I could stab her with an icicle! It would melt so there would be no prints or knife for the police to find-

"SAKURA!"

First things first, make her shut up.

"Ino," I snapped through gritted teeth, "If you continue to screech at that pitch the only love life you'll ever have is one with a bat!"

Ino gasped and stared at me with horror filled eyes. "This is a terrible case of it, too!"

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. "You are a complete idiot."

"How could I have let it progress so far?"

I ignored her horror stricken face and began to type more of my paper on my laptop. I wonder if she knows what a paper is. I wonder if she can read. How did she pass second grade?

"Ok, let me interview you to find out how to treat this particular case."

I rolled my eyes at her 'professional' tone and continued to punch the keys on my computer. What? Is she some neurosurgeon now? Psht.

"When was the last time you consumed any kind or type of alcohol?"

I looked at her in shock to see her staring at me with a completely serious expression. I snickered and her eyes narrowed.

"This is serious, Sakura!"

"All right, all right," I said between snickers. "I had some beer at that party a couple months ago."

Her jaw dropped and her eyes became the size of tennis balls. I wasn't sure if I should start cracking up or be afraid of the immensely annoying monologue that will soon commence.

"BUT YOU ONLY HAD ONE BOTTLE!"

"Yes," I said passively, turning my attention back to my laptop. I've long since learned that Ino should be treated like a wild animal. Don't aggravate it or you end up mauled with red claws. In Ino's case, her claws are the OPI color, Scarlett Letter. She had whacked me when I told her that was old language for slut. I hope she doesn't start screeching again. It's a good thing the university café was empty other than the worker who was giving us strange looks.

"BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET WASTED!"

I sighed and massaged my temples. "You know I don't get drunk, Ino."

"I don't see why not," she said in snobbily. Ah, now the wasted are considered high class? What kind of screwy society do I live in?

I decided not to respond with my hilarious smart ass commentary because that would have prompted- EXPLOSION INO. So I kept my mouth shut.

"Ok, next question."

I inwardly sighed and resisted the urge to slam my head on the dark wood café table. She was really sticking to this. It's better just to wait this out.

"When was the last time you got laid?"

I choked on my own spit and stared at her incredulously while she blinked back innocently with her big blue eyes.

"Ino. No."

Her eyes gleamed and suddenly they didn't look so innocent anymore. She kind of looked like Gollum. You know, the creepy little monster from Lord of the Rings? Did that thing not understand the meaning of no either?

"Yessss," she hissed, grabbing my arm and shaking it. "I'm trying to help yooooouuuu!"

I wrenched my arm free of her death grip that came from holding too many Ralph Lauren shopping bags and glared. "No, Ino, you are annoying the crap out of me. And this is where I draw the line. Ask a different question."

She pouted and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ditch. I don't think she said ditch.

She huffed and said, "Fine. When was your last date?"

I stopped typing for a moment and thought. Wow, I really am a "Love Grinch".

"A month ago with that guy… With the face…"

No, I did not forget his name, I'm just practicing being descriptive.

Ino gasped and shook her head in pity. "I told you to show more cleavage."

I glared and resisted bopping her on her blonde little head that is stuck in the gutter.

"I would like to see the cleavage of your head," I snapped.

Ino rolled her eyes and said in a know it all tone, "Sakura. My head doesn't have boobs."

I had to face palm. How did she even do decently on the SATs? I wish I had an axe so I could teach her the real meaning of cleavage, starting with her brain.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

I looked up to see Naruto and Sasuke standing over us. Naruto was grinning goofily and Sasuke was expressionless as ever.

"Something horrible has happened!"

I looked over at Ino who was coincidentally pointing at me. Oh great. Now I've been classified as "something horrible that happened".

"What's wrong with Sakura," Sasuke asked. I felt my eyebrows rise because usually Sasuke was silent.

"SHE'S A LOVE GRINCH!"

I sighed and face palmed once again. "Ino, don't you have someone else to annoy?"

"Not till tomorrow," she said in a completely serious voice. I don't even know if she's joking or not.

"Aren't you going on a date with Shikamaru tomorrow," Naruto asked.

Ino smirked devilishly and nodded. Dear Lord, I pray that you protect Shikamaru's soul from the evil she demon known as Ino Yamanaka.

"Anyways," we all turned back to Ino as she continued to speak, "We need to fix this."

Great, I've been upgraded to a "this".

She dragged two seats from another table over to ours and gestured for them to sit, which they did.

"So far I've found out Sakura hasn't been wasted for a unknown period of time, possibly never. She has also been deprived of dates for an entire month. And most importantly, she refuses to tell me the last time she was laid."

I choked on my spit again and I glared at Ino. "What the hell, Ino?"

Naruto was snickering and Sasuke was glaring at me for some unknown reason.

"Who took you on a date," he snapped.

"Well you see," I began, "I would love to tell you but I forgot who it was. I do, however, remember that he possessed a face."

Naruto burst into laughter but Sasuke's face remained constipated and angry. Darn, usually I can make him smile. Well, the little thing his lips do that could be classified as a smile if you used a microscope.

"It was Gaara," Ino said, "He took you to some fancy restaurant.

"Oh yeahhh," I muttered, remembering the awesome food and classy music. It was nice because I hadn't eaten anything but bagel bites all week. Don't judge, I'm a college student.

"Where is this _Gaara_," Sasuke snapped. He looked livid.

"In Suna," I said with regret. "He had to move back only a week after we started dating. He wanted to stay together and all but long distance rela-"

Sasuke snapped out a cell phone and stood from the table and walked out of hearing distance. Naruto, Ino, and I exchanged wary looks as I stood from the table to go see what was going through that confusing mind of his.

"Ren. I want a first class ticket to Suna. And a sledge hammer."

Sasuke? And a sledge hammer? Oh no.

I skipped up to Sasuke and snatched the iphone away from him.

"Just kidding," I sang into the phone before hitting the end call button.

Sasuke glared at me and snatched his phone back. "I was doing something," he said in an irritated tone.

"Like what, getting yourself put in jail for turning Gaara into doggie kibble?"

Sasuke hned and turned away. I sighed and stepped in front of him.

"What's the issue here? Do I have to act like Doctor Phil here to try and figure out why you want to bash in my exboyfriend's brains, or will you tell me like a good Sasuke?"

The corners of Sasuke's lips tilted up for a second and I inwardly cheered in victory but then they automatically twitched down.

"Sasuke," I sang, "In the crest commercial they say the average person smiles fifty times a day. You smile once a day. What does that make you? An oompa loompa? A platypus? A lamp?"

Sasuke's lips twitched up once more but he quickly stifled it.

"Scientists say that every time you laugh, seven seconds are added to your life. Have you ever laughed before Sasuke? I think you're going to die when you're forty from what I like to call Sasuke disease. Yes, it's the condition when you glare, call your best friend an idiot constantly, never smile, never laugh, and consider the grunt Hn as a entire dictionary. I pity you."

Sasuke's lips tilted up once again and I waited for them to fall down once again, but they didn't.

"Hey! You're actually- mmph!"

My eyes widened as I felt soft lips on mine and I blinked a few times before I closed my eyes. It was the best kiss I ever had because he tasted like mint and smelled like pine and his lips really must be the softest and warmest things in the world. I realized my thinking wasn't very coherent so I decided for the time being not to bother with it anymore.

When we finally pulled apart, Sasuke's lips stayed tilted up and I grinned breathlessly.

"Come on," he said tugging me to the door.

"Where," I asked in confusion.

"You're coming on a date with me, Ms. Love Grinch.

"I don't think she's a Love Grinch anymore," Naruto said dumbly.

Ino sighed happily and shook her head, "Of course not, she's found her prince charming."

Naruto snickered and replied, "What kind of Prince Charming has chicken ass hair?"

"The one that acts emotionally constipated."

With that Ino stood from the table grabbing Sakura's laptop for her. "I'm going to go find Shika. You should go find Hinata."

"Wha?" Naruto looked around the now empty café in confusion. "But Hina doesn't like me like that… Does she?"

"INOOOOOOOO," He bellowed while leaping from his chair to go interrogate the blonde girl.

The café worker grinned as she continued to polish the counter. This was waayyy better than cable.


End file.
